Holidays are tough

How easily you have been forgotten when people get consumed by their own families.

How easily.

Holidays are tough, all by yourself not a soul to talk to.

How much I miss my brown eyed buddy, staring at me for his egg in the kitchen.

Not to worry how to fill all those days, 'cause he was there. 

He is gone, and so is all the goodwill, from neighbors and so called friends when the holidays are around.

It doesn't really matter if it's Christmas, Easter, Kingsday or liberation day. 

When people get consumed by their own, they forget about the lonely.

They don't think about the ones that don't talk to a soul any of those days. 

The holidays are the toughest, they're about sharing and caring, but it's the most forgotten for those who are alone. 

No invite, no friendly word, no handshake. Just silence.

The holidays are the toughest

Xmas dream

Woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

While not being up for a different love, or meeting people,

I had this nice dream,

Meeting a woman that swept me,

Long dark brown hair, greenish bright eyes, tall and a generous smile.

In my dream all of a sudden she stood before me, looked me straight in my eyes, smiled and swept me.

She turned, walked away, stopped, considered, turned back around, pushed herself into me and kissed me, long but gentle.

Smiled, and said, let's start our life together and be happy!

Uhmm ok!!!

I woke up with a smile.

Long time ago that I woke up happy. 

Merry Xmas! 

You're a liar

The more I think about it

The more I know

You're a liar

We were supposed to stay friends

But friends don't walk away like 10 years was nothing

Friends don't make promises that they don't keep

You deceived me

Small talk, lies

Friendly and kind to cover your ass

Be sure of your financial security

Over my back

You mistreated me

I believed you like a child

In good faith

In love and trust

You're a liar

You left me heartbroken

And made me loose everything I cared for

You left me in a spot without friends, without job, without pets without love and without trust

You're poison

You're a liar

You

You C, you think you are more than me,

Better than me,

Smarter, Richer, slimmer,

More fun, with more friends and a loving family.

You, you have all that, 

I don't.

But, 

I have experience, I'm fierce, brave,  loving, empathic,

I went through lost, heartache, dissapointment, treason, sickness and health.

All of that made me

Better, smarter, richer, slimmer, taller, more loved and respected.

So good luck to you, when you have to be going through the stuff you haven't seen, experienced or felt yet. 

Brace....and remember me, maybe you finally understand.

You're not more than me, never were never will be.

G

Fall

How I miss you during fall

The endless walks, your rolling in falling leaves, bathing in rain puddles. How I miss you during fall

alles is anders

Na t verlies van Joe, wordt ik geconfronteerd met alledaagse dingen, die dus niet meer alledaags zijn.Ik kom niet meer op de plekken waar we altijd samen liepen met uit laten, de mensen met de honden die ik tegen kwam, zie ik niet  meer.

Je mandje met knuffels heb ik opgeborgen, dan ruik ik soms nog aan je Ikea bal of je dekentje ,het ruikt nog steeds naar jou. Mijn hondenuitlaatschoenen staan roerloos onder de kapstok ,waar eveneens mijn 'hondenuitlaatjas' en je riem hangt. Je drinkbak

Staat roerloos en als ik op zondagochtend een eitje tik, betrap ik me er steeds op, ach wat vond je dat lekker .Je zat dan steevast naast me, en drukte zacht je neus tegen m n been, zo van "vergeet me niet'? Geen brokken meer bestellen, geen lekkere snacks meer, geen medicijnen meer in de gaten houden. ik ben niet meer die vrouw met die Labrador. Ik word geen vrouwtje meer genoemd,

Als we

s' middags samen effe tukkie deden, gleed mijn hand als vanzelf door je vacht .........Ik genoot van t zachte gesnurk van je .Het valt niet mee zonder jou, ik mis je dagelijks en op sommige momenten nog meer, wanneer het weer buiten zacht is met een flauwe zon, we hoeven niet meer op zoek naar "nieuw" water om je te laten zwemmen. Niet in alle vroegte naar de heide, je liefde en blijdschap mis ik het aller meest. Je blik als je naar mij op keek en tevreden naast me liep in het bos. Die kleine, bijna allerdaagse dingen die zo gewoon leken zijn niet meer allerdaags zijn , en gewoon. Maar nu een mooie liefdevolle herinnering aan jou lieve Joe. Ik mis je.

Now I have to remember you, longer than I've known you

Joe, my dear Boy

Joe, My dear boy,

12 weeks since you left, since you crossed the huge bridge, and met all kinds of friends on the other side. 

3 months, out playing with toys and balls and are running free without pain. 

I don't blame you for leaving, I don't blame 

you for playing and running pain free.

I don't blame you for not contacting me. I do miss you tho.

The last weeks even more than before.

My soul connection to you is even stronger.

I am happy you are happy, but boy how I miss you at my side.

At my feet at the dining table.

Your soft ears in my hands and your faitfull eyes when I feel down and out.

And boy how you broke my heart when I felt your heartbeat fading and your breathing slow down.

Not on purpose and definitely not cause you wanted to.

You just were my heart, my life my best friend my everything.

My whole being was about you.

And you left a void, and you are missed. Your frenz down here miss you too. Some still come look for you.

But I am happy you are happy and playing.

I haven't received your package yet, "the other one for loving" but I am sure it will come soon. 

If I could choose, I would rather have you come home.

I do understand that's not a choice, sometimes it is the way it is. 

But some day when the time is right, I will come to you and stay by your side 

and we can have long walks again. 

Till then I will miss you, but always love you. And only see you in my dreams.

And enjoy you little messages.

Be a good boy my sweet Joe.

Go and play,

Love, Mom.

when?

It seems not to work for me somehow, 

Happiness, I am trying really hard.

Got so much love to give seems it's not wanted.

After 10 years another breakpoint.

Back to me, finding happiness.

Can't seem to get there by myself.

I need to give, to be happy and feel happiness.

Turning more into myself.

I'm trying, when is it my turn? 

empty plate

When love falls apart,

It crumbles, day by day, 

Month by month

Trying to keep the pie together

Every piece that's taken,

going for an empty plate.

Just crumbs are left.

Nothing enough to put back together again. 

An empty plate,

Not ready to start baking again.

back then

I miss the freedom I felt

The air at the mountains

The love in my heart

The joy in my eyes

The freedom

The Lion in me

Sometimes I feel stronger, but at times, the lion in me stops roaring. The silence is deafening. And no words are good enough to break the silence at that time. So I say nothing and do some soul searching. 

Alone

4th day on a row all evening.

Alone, by myself, dinner alone,

Evening alone, sleeping alone

Who is waiting for me

Not a soul

Come on

C'mon let it rain, let it rain down on me...

nothing of anything

 BAM! 8 years have past, its 2021. 

Life is different confusing and weird.
Our house is no longer filled with laughter, but with regrets and sorrow.

I have changed, grew older, more worried.

Kids are no longer kids, the youngest one moved out living with her dad now. The oldest one is now an adult, sweet as ever. Never home and living his own life. He is right.

what's left for us, is each other.... we know by now we don't like each other much any more these days. No love, no laughter, no joy.

I feel stuck, can't breath at times. Body is worn with pain and sorrow. 
Not feeling loved isn't helping. 

I want to move back to the ocean and leave these green fields and forrests. 
I miss seaguls, air and ocean, wind and calming ocean breeze even when it's freezing out.  

My dog is my only joy now, can't have him by myself stuck with work and caring. 

Feel so stuck i need air, breath in breath out, and gone another day. 

Kids

Wow, you know how it is?
Arguing kids? Man! 16 and 11
They sound like brother and sister, sometimes a married couple.
Sometimes you want to slam them together and make them.love each other!
The oldest telling the younger one what to do, but she doesn't let her tell him what to do and hell breaks loos.
Wow I can't remember ever have a fit like that  everrrrr and I had two older brothers....I've turned out ok tho.
But now I am all grown up....it's so useless and exhausting!
Wow, you know how it is?

Still miss you

Still miss you every day
My little furry best friend
Your morning kiss and cuddle
Your love when I'm sad
Your headbump to say you love me
Still miss you every day my little  friend.
Still miss you....

Moving in together

It's a fact....we are living together as a family in one home.
All history carried with or left behind. Bits and pieces put together in a brand new home.
My table, your chairs, towels mixed together to a colourfull blend.
Paint picked together, my plants your frown😁
Our home!! Happiness and love
Our home 😁❤❤
Our home...our....home😁

You know...

You know you're home when
You're on the toilet and there is a knock for a piece of toiletpapier.
You know you're home when you're taking a shower a little one comes in to brush her while you're naked.
You know you're home when in the morning you hear noises of table silver while the both of you are still in bed.
You know you're home when u wake up in the middle of the night and there is a whisper conversation going between the one you love and a nine year old.
You know you're home when you always feels loved.
You know you're home when you  see those smiling faces when you walk in the door after a days work....
You know you're home when  you feel at home.
I love feeling at home :-)

Sure

She loves me, no doubt
She cares, no doubt
She makes me laugh, no doubt
She dares me, no doubt
We have the future, no doubt
We have eachother, no doubt
No doubt, no doubt

This is what happiness looks like,
No doubt

Loving heart

Her warm loving heart
Intens,warm and comfortable
Always there
When I look in her eyes
I see love
Feel love
Her mouth speaks ruthless at times
Never without respect
She is the one

Understanding the love

Understanding the love
Sometimes startle  me
Knowing, feeling, growing
A halt, one step back, no changes
Loving eyes, those loving eyes....
Talk, enlightened  less questions
No doubts about the core
Trying , learning, feeling
Trusting, loving....Loving loving loving! !

Here we go!

What a beautiful day! Sun is out!
Birds are singing their songs, one louder than the other!
Purple, White and yellow fields filled with the early spring flowers!

I am excited, up early starting to tear some stuff apart and make room.
Bringing some of my stuff to my girls place.
Enjoying the love, and our two little helpers!
Exhausting but fun, fun to realize it's real, the love is real 
(no doubts) the wanting to be together is real.
First step to make it real, enjoy eachothers peace,
eachothers chaos and our love.

First little steps made, to a bigger decision, 
a bigger love, a bigger life, and happiness
joy and happiness!

How loved

Surprised and kidnapped
A mysterious note on a suitcase
A trip to god knows where
A smile that made my heart melt

Love
A boat
Wonderfull surprise
Feeling more than loved
Feel noticed, acknowledged and seen
Appreciated and loved,  more than loved

Sleeping on a houseboat
In the middle of the city
Waking to her gorgeous eyes and smile
Could I be more happier?

Loved loved loved
I love her

family life, thats life!

Thankful and loving, 
coming "home"be greeted, kissed and hugged 
For so many normal and the way it is.
I see the beauty when kids stand in front of the window
with both hands high up in the air to great and wave.
they jump into your arms when you walk in the door.

It makes me smile....inside...in my heart
like a little leap of joy
my heart jumps.

I am lucky to be loved like that
loving eyes, kissing lips, warm greeting arms

lucky and greatful... looking forward 
to come home again tonight


:-)

Every time!

Every time!!
In a pic or in real life
Her squeezing eyes they make me fall all over!
I can't help it
Sounds corky and corny...
But those make me smile deep in my soul
And fall in love with her all over again.
I don't think she understands. ..
Maybe better :-D
I look at het pic and there it happens again....I love her!
With pride  and joy. ..I love her!
There it is...I said it...
Every time!

So this is Christmas

We're getting there...
Pulled up the tree
Full loving family time
Dark outside
Happiness love and joy
Real Christmas. ..no traveling
No wondering...just plain and simple
Happy, love and joy....perfect!

Have a wonderful happy healthy and joy full christmas! Where ever you lay your head!!

Fall.... in love

the leaves, the love,

smiles, kisses, love and hugs

eyes more intense than ever

looking at me, a smile that tells it all

Happy heart, jumping of joy

no questions except from little voices

wondering when...

our lives already started together 

for now apart together

were taking time

happiness is overruling

friends and love

joy and love

love and love

fall in love

love in fall

Sometimes.........

I know...

just sometimes I wish she could..
she did write it down, 
and a written word, they say, is everlasting,
sometimes I just wish she could...
she does,
I can see it in her eyes
and she can read it in mine
I say it, she doesn't
someday she will
I just know it
I have to or I will burst..
she will burst some day....:-)

Filled with happiness

Busy loving weekend
Involved in her life
Like it's never been different
Flowing loving caring going

Happiness on her face
Loving eyes
Caring hands
Kissing lips

Filled with happiness,

Perfect....

Fearless!

Fearless!
She is! Amazingly brave
She made a choice is determent
And showing it.
Who ever she cares for, she is sharing 
Our happines,our love!
Her smile confirmes
Her eyes show
love...it's real
Never been more proud!

The big step

Brave and filled with love
For them,nothing changed
We wrestled on the beach
And I got showered with kisses
I just love her...like they do..in a different fashion, but love is love.
And it's good! It's real and true.
My heart jumped with joy
My heart is happy, so is hers...i can see it in her amazing eyes.
Happy hearts and love...
Nothing else counts.